“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
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One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS