Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.

[45 minutes later]

*gallops up to window on stick horse*

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I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.


Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*

Friend: When I said pet with the grain


I hate when I’m cruising in my convertible, hair blowing in the wind, then realize I’m just sitting on my ride-on lawnmower. Drunk. Again.


*standing outside your house

I was totally going to stalk you but…

*pets your dog instead


My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.


When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.