I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
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When women go to the restroom together that’s so you can make out, right?
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
I hate when I’m cruising in my convertible, hair blowing in the wind, then realize I’m just sitting on my ride-on lawnmower. Drunk. Again.
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.