Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
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interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
Who chose this font
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.