“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
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“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
My zodiac sign is pistachio
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.