(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!
*all the adults start screaming*
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
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me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
Wife: wow, we must have had a lot of trick or treaters come by!
Her: Because all the candy is gone
Me: Ooooh right. So many.
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
HAIRDRESSER: *holding mirror* and the back?
DRACULA: *nodding* um.. yeah.. sure.. great thanks
Zelda: Why aren’t you mowing the lawn?
Link: It’s raining
Z: No it’s not
L: *Plays Song of Storms*
Z: You’re sleeping with Epona tonight