“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
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Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
Birds & Planes.
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.