My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
You Might Also Like
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures