@stevevsninjas

Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.

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@Nickadoo

When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.

@lisaxy424

[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*

@alfageeek

Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.

@robwhisman

the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!

@TheresaDejaVue

I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿

@ArfMeasures

Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?

Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?

@MissBamantha

Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?

WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.

@Rollinintheseat

Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”

@Dawn_M_

Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.

@Lisabug74

I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.