@stevevsninjas: Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
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@HeyZeus666: My grandfather said he'd never be caught dead wearing cargo pants, so I slipped the funeral director an extra 50 bucks. And now we wait.
@illuminateddino: I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
@greg_vee: If intelligence runs in your family, I can only guess it tripped and fell before it got to you.
@therealeatwood: [Wedding] “…to join these two in holy matrimony. The Ring, please?” [Maid of Honor pops tape in VCR.] [One week later: everyone dies.]