Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
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Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
I’m going to need a moment here.
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*