When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
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Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.