Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
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Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.