‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
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The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.