SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
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I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.