@WritePlay

SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.

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@TheCamelToe_

I swapped my wife’s tampons with party poppers. Absolutely no sense of humour that girl..

@Lisabug74

10 signs that he’s just not that into you

1.
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10. He is a cat.

@usedwigs

Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.

@truegritrumble

ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.

MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.

@GrantTanaka

Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you

@PhoenixRises69

Kate on Facebook can’t believe the ordacity of some people.

I can’t believe the audacity of people who use big words that they can’t spell.