I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
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If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
I’ve decided to write a ‘knock knock’ joke about Jehovah’s witnesses.
“Knock, Knock, Knock , knock knock knock knock knock “
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
Ikea meatballs pulled from shelves because they contain horse meat. Man, that’s the last time I buy meatballs at a furniture store.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
[raises hand during kickboxing lesson] when do we get to kick boxes?
[instructor] that’s not what we-
[me] I just hate boxes so damn much
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.