@slimmy_shady

SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.

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@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-

Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.

5:

Me:

5: How much blood?

@wendchymes

Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.

@Lord_Voldemort7

Who names hurricanes? Are people actually supposed to be intimidated by something named Sandy?

@TySmithdrums

Me: “Can I see the baby?”

Sister: “Yes, but only if she’s awake.”

Me, through a megaphone: “NOT A PROBLEM.”

@FeverFlave

[inventing worcestershire ?sauce]

Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.

Perrins: That might work.

@Dexxe

These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.

@minnie_in_pink7

Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.

@SamGrittner

Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.