SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.

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I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do


If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.


I’ve decided to write a ‘knock knock’ joke about Jehovah’s witnesses.

“Knock, Knock, Knock , knock knock knock knock knock “


Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start

“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random


DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!

ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly


ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions


Ikea meatballs pulled from shelves because they contain horse meat. Man, that’s the last time I buy meatballs at a furniture store.


[raises hand during kickboxing lesson] when do we get to kick boxes?
[instructor] that’s not what we-
[me] I just hate boxes so damn much


To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.