I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
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[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
Good news
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.