millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
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It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
The answer is funnier than the question
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means