i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
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I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
my name if I was in the mob
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!