Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
Siri: Retweet me.
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Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
*son playing ipod
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
Me: OMG, Bill and Cindy got divorced!!!
Hub: I know! He’s got a fresh slate. That guys livin the dream!
Hub:…his dream, not mine
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician