Siri: Retweet me.
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*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?