Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
Siri: Retweet me.
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Hey girl, how ’bout some head?
– Henry VIII
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”