@daemonic3

Siri: Retweet me.

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@smithsara79

Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?

Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?

Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*

@kimmie_1980

Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…

@GrantTanaka

*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE

@fro_vo

[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please

@Book_Krazy

Me: OMG, Bill and Cindy got divorced!!!

Hub: I know! He’s got a fresh slate. That guys livin the dream!

Me:…

Hub:…his dream, not mine

@trevso_electric

It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.

@karanbirtinna

Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?

Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.

@solomongeorgio

Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”

@Bob_Janke

Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician