@daemonic3

Siri: Retweet me.

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@AnitaHelmet

Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?

Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.

@FeelingEuphoric

ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?

STUDENT: um

ME: this is important

STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?

ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker

@tastefactory

12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this

@ABurgerADay

Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.

@_goaskyourdad_

My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.

@UhhhJasonWebb

I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.

@joci2203

“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”

-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing

@Thynebear

Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”

[Meanwhile in Hell]

Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”