“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”

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[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”


Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.


I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.


Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.


[Quarantine Diary, Day 3]

My homemade mummy costume was met with violent backlash


Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*

My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water


The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.


ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.


Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.