*paramedic holds me as a I lay dying*
ME: Tell my family.. all I ever wanted..was a robot butler
PM: With a top hat?
ME: Of course you idiot
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Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
This Tik Tok video of a kid eating a huge burger while an entire restaurant increasingly loses their shit is the only thing bringing me base human joy rn.
“No way.” -Jose
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
BAT: as a what
BAT: say it
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)