“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
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{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
Still a very good boi….
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.