Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
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Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
that colleague who touches your screen
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
Its true…
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.