Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
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I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
I have questions??
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.