me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
You Might Also Like
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.