I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
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I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.