Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
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I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
Remember mad cow disease?
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
*walk up to woman breastfeeding baby* Is this guy bothering you?