Siri, where did I go wrong?

Siri: How long you got?

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Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion


I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.


My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.


[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened


[First day studying philosophy]

Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.

Me: Me?

Professor: Yes.

Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?

Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.


[in a club]

ME: have you seen my moves?

HER: no

ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*


“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”

*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*


*walk up to woman breastfeeding baby* Is this guy bothering you?