Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
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The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.