@withanewname

“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”

“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”

“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”

Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”

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@GuyThe_Guy

“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.

@stephenjmolloy

Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”

@stephenjmolloy

Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”

@iinkedZombie

I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.

@TweetsByKaylee

[first date]

him, a cop: so tell me about yourself

me: not without my lawyer present

@lifeofvjr

Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.

My dad: Please let me speak to him.

Kidnapper: He’s here.

My dad: You left the fan on, again.

@KentWGraham

The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.

@MNateShyamalan

some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.

but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.

@envydatropic

A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this