“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
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Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs