“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
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*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this