@hogrider05

Siri, who’s in my trunk?

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@ericsshadow

My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?

@EmmyStar79

I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!

I’M STARVING!

-Me, on a Tuesday

@thatdutchperson

DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.

ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*

@Shade510

HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….

Me: But…

@Donna_McCoy

My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.

@KenJennings

I don’t really like the idea that James Franco might be in my grandkids’ history textbooks.

@ericsshadow

THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth

EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*

ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*

@jonnysun

*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost

@slimmy_shady

When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?

@FreudsTwin

My therapist told me I should start making my own decisions. So I stopped seeing him.