My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
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Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.