@hogrider05

Siri, who’s in my trunk?

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@ImaFlyontheWall

Kid: Dad, a girl called me ugly, how long does ugly last..
Dad:Hey hun
Mom:Yes?
Dad: How old are you?
Mom: 45
Dad:theres your answer kid

@QuietPsycho

When you’re dead, you have no idea you’re dead. It’s only difficult for other people…..

Much the same as when you’re stupid…..

@metickleu

My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’

@donjuantip

ALCOHOL. Because no good story ever began with, “So, I was sitting there eating this salad…”

@ImMelanieGibson

Me: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Yeah, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!

Husband: Are you talking about Monopoly?

M: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.

@Multitudes8

M: I rear-ended some girl today

W: Oh how much damage to her car

M: Car?

@roostermustache

Biden: can i put whoopee cushions under all the chairs before he gets here

Obama: joe im on the phone

Biden:*muttering* u didnt say not to

@KalvinMacleod

[inventing flies]

GOD: make them eat shit

ANGEL: got it

GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world

ANGEL: ok who hurt you?

@mattytalks

Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs