Siri, who’s in my trunk?

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Kid: Dad, a girl called me ugly, how long does ugly last..
Dad:Hey hun
Dad: How old are you?
Mom: 45
Dad:theres your answer kid


When you’re dead, you have no idea you’re dead. It’s only difficult for other people…..

Much the same as when you’re stupid…..


My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’


ALCOHOL. Because no good story ever began with, “So, I was sitting there eating this salad…”


Me: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Yeah, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!

Husband: Are you talking about Monopoly?

M: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble.


Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.


M: I rear-ended some girl today

W: Oh how much damage to her car

M: Car?


Biden: can i put whoopee cushions under all the chairs before he gets here

Obama: joe im on the phone

Biden:*muttering* u didnt say not to


[inventing flies]

GOD: make them eat shit

ANGEL: got it

GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world

ANGEL: ok who hurt you?


Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs