[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
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why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!