sirius black: im innocent

judge: i don’t believe you

sirius: give me truth serum

judge: for some reason no

You Might Also Like



– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash

– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth

– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry


Want the secret to success?
Want 2x the energy without having to diet?
Want to add 20 years to your life?
Want less shoulder hair?

Me too.


Shot pool with my 15yo son.

Taught him a valuable lesson.

You can restart a video game 1000 times.

You can only lose your allowance once.


Whoa. Wait a minute.

So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?

Damn it!

*starts scraping off her stickers*


I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.


Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti


What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?


Dad, was I a cocky teenager?

Only when you watched Baywatch in your pyjam….



If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.


Me: Sound the drums of war!!

My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*

*we enter the buffet*