hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
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Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
A family that plays together cheats.
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t