*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
sirius black: im innocent
judge: i don’t believe you
sirius: give me truth serum
judge: for some reason no
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The safest place to stand when I hit a golf ball, is directly in front of me..
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
ME: Zucchini bread.
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
[therapist] what seems to be the problem?
[her] he only hears what he wants to hear. It’s awful
[me] oh my god yes, I would love a waffle
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift