@tweetsbyrocket

sirius black: im innocent

judge: i don’t believe you

sirius: give me truth serum

judge: for some reason no

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@MrEd_EVH

*runs into long lost friend*

Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?

Me- I disappoint people

@InkedUpKidder

The safest place to stand when I hit a golf ball, is directly in front of me..

@sixfootcandy

I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.

@batkaren

[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.

@pookleblinky

Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.

@NickelForward

I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.

@mydaughtersarmy

The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.

@ibid78

[therapist] what seems to be the problem?
[her] he only hears what he wants to hear. It’s awful
[me] oh my god yes, I would love a waffle

@katiebcomedy

therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad

me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one

@MelvinofYork

me: hi, I have no power at my house

power company: ok, when did it happen

me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift