Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
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And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
this is the best interaction on twitter
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*