Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
You Might Also Like
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
Found a free bandaid at the pool.