sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
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I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
This will never not be funny 😭
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.