@JenniferJokes

Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.

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@simoncholland

My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.

@MissHavisham

I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.

@briangaar

Hi mom, we shot the new Hobbit movie today. I’m orc #56, the one accidentally wearing a watch. The director was really mad.

@TweetPotato314

Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.

Me: Oh, who got the last spot?

Coach: Umm

Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?

@NerishaLakha

My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.

@AndyAsAdjective

guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking

@bwebster76

Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.

@_wangwe

Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.

@JohnLyonTweets

[band rehearsal]

Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?

Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.