Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.

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My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.


I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.


Hi mom, we shot the new Hobbit movie today. I’m orc #56, the one accidentally wearing a watch. The director was really mad.


Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.

Me: Oh, who got the last spot?

Coach: Umm

Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?


My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.


guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking


Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.


Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.


[band rehearsal]

Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?

Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.