SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
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Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School