Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
SISTER: i’m engaged!
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
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“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
“The Shining” is my favorite documentary about what happens when you don’t have an Internet connection.