SISTER: i’m engaged!

ME: awwwwwwwwewwww

SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there

ME: …no

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Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?


“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”

I will never lie to my future children.


I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity


*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract


Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..


YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u


ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy



Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy


“The Shining” is my favorite documentary about what happens when you don’t have an Internet connection.