sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
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greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.