@Holy_Mowgli

sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon

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@tiemoose

gf: every night he lies in bed, it drives me crazy

her friend: what that sounds completely normal

[earlier, in bed]

me: i invented the colour blue

@lazy_joe_

Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician

@DaaNoggs

Jehovah’s witnesses tell the worst knock, knock jokes

@panmidwest

[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?

@TheRealRHB

I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream

@GringoBrulee

My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”

@Robert_Beau

I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.

@juliussharpe

I was at the beach and the lifeguard blew his whistle at me. Dude, I’m 40. I’m not listening to a teenager in a bathing suit.

@MorticiaKate

Therapist: What brings you here today?

Me: I’m a middle child.

Therapist: I see, classi..

Me: In between two sets of twins.

Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.

@Brittany_broski

this Uber is whipping me around doin 70 in a 40 and he’s still getting 5 stars because he hasn’t said a damn word to me . He knows