gf: every night he lies in bed, it drives me crazy
her friend: what that sounds completely normal
[earlier, in bed]
me: i invented the colour blue
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
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Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
Jehovah’s witnesses tell the worst knock, knock jokes
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
I was at the beach and the lifeguard blew his whistle at me. Dude, I’m 40. I’m not listening to a teenager in a bathing suit.
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
this Uber is whipping me around doin 70 in a 40 and he’s still getting 5 stars because he hasn’t said a damn word to me . He knows