Sister posted on FB: pray for me, I have a test tomorrow.

My comment: it’s cheating if Jesus helps you.

Solidifying my black sheep status

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*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*


The Shining is on…

…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.


[ronald mcdonald in fake mustache sidles up to group of teens] mcdonalds sucks right guys? Let’s discuss ways they could improve their image


Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m pretty?
Cop: No
Me: Because I’m on Twitter?
Cop: No
Me: Officer I can do this all day


[at movie theatre]

Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it


I hope at my funeral someone has the foresight to bring a Ouija board so I can live tweet Hell.


What do you call someone with no body and a nose? Nobody knows.


I have found that a positive pregnancy test will cure hiccups.