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Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
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Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.