*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Goes to bed*
Sister posted on FB: pray for me, I have a test tomorrow.
My comment: it’s cheating if Jesus helps you.
Solidifying my black sheep status
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We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
I saw a smart car get hit with a snow ball today, yep, it was totalled!
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
[ronald mcdonald in fake mustache sidles up to group of teens] mcdonalds sucks right guys? Let’s discuss ways they could improve their image
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m pretty?
Me: Because I’m on Twitter?
Me: Officer I can do this all day
[at movie theatre]
Me (whispers): …it
I hope at my funeral someone has the foresight to bring a Ouija board so I can live tweet Hell.
What do you call someone with no body and a nose? Nobody knows.
I have found that a positive pregnancy test will cure hiccups.