[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
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[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red