[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
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The police never think its as funny as you do.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
In general my philosophy is do whatever you want if it doesn’t hurt people and it’s not two spaces after a period.
Me: yeah was bingo the name of the dog or the farmer
Professor: i meant questions about the exa- holy shit
Instead of a post-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Fight club member:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no