[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
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Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
so weird how every mom was born today
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
😎 🍻
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
Just as the prophecy foretold
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ