This hammock is the most relaxing thing I’ve ever had slingshot me point blank into the ground.
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
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Me (sobbing): It’s just so unfair.
Husband: Do we have to go through this every year? Move the sundresses to the back of the closet and stop being so dramatic.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
cop: got any drugs on you
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
7yo: can I order for you?
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
This weekend is daylight savings time, which means the clock on my microwave will be right again.
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.