Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
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[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy