Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
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Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.