What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
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(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID: *angry bleating*
Listening to “Bad Company” by Bad Company from their album “Bad Company” how do they come up with this stuff
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
Apparently, the latest gadget used by suicide bombers around the world is a vest completely made of Galaxy Note 7s.
ME: *angrily dragging wife thru the mall* Maybe THIS jewelry store will have one.
HER: I don’t think you get what a tornado watch is.
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.