@UncleDynamite

sistine chapel

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@emilygabaldon

What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??

A Boo Meringue

@yonewt

Listening to “Bad Company” by Bad Company from their album “Bad Company” how do they come up with this stuff

@3sunzzz

Me: *brings home new puppy*

My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!

@realHamOnWry

Apparently, the latest gadget used by suicide bombers around the world is a vest completely made of Galaxy Note 7s.

@Sickayduh

ME: *angrily dragging wife thru the mall* Maybe THIS jewelry store will have one.

HER: I don’t think you get what a tornado watch is.

@envydatropic

Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”

*All of Twitter goes missing*

@pant_leg

a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods

@BethsButt

I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.

@mommajessiec

Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.