Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
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I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …