My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
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what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂