The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
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When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
How funny!
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.