@CornOnTheGoblin

[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie

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@omgthatspunny

It’s not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn’t have the balls to do it

@graceupongracie

My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic

@ConanOBrien

Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.

@TheBeerGuy73

Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.

@Buffalojilll

Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend

Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either

@kcmoore51

Don’t like me? You’ll come around.

– Onion Rings

@shkeeber

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*