[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
You Might Also Like
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
choose your gary
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.