*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
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what could possibly go wrong?
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo