[sits next to friend in a coma, holding her hand]

“Squeeze once if that’s an 8 at the end of your HBO Go password.”

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[recording studio]

me: [into microphone] studio

sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it


A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.


The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline


Don’t let them fool you. Squirrels are just rats dressed in Armani.


Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”


Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.

Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.


No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.


last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window


Turkey bacon is a lot like normal bacon except that IT’S NOT AND IT NEEDS TO GO BACK TO HELL, WHERE IT CAME FROM.


“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”

-I say to the person I don’t remember.