Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
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If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
I can’t stop laughing at this
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.