I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
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Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
I’m going to need a moment here.
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
Sharon I have some bad news
My dating profile:
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…