That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
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Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
I feel seen.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door