*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
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Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.