Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
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This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.