*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
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“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉