[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
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There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain