[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
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Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it